If You Can’t Forgive Someone, Read This

If you're trying to forgive someone and are finding yourself unable to do so, chances are you are forcing that forgiveness when you may not be ready for it.

Because we live in a world and age where we are getting bombarded by the spiritual community about all sorts of messages about forgiveness. And when we find ourselves trying so hard to forgive someone or even forgive ourselves, and not quite getting there, it almost feels like there's something wrong with us.
But there isn't.

Something that we still haven't fully understood as a collective is that forgiveness is a natural by-product of processing and unpacking the pain we have felt.

Processing and unpacking all the anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness, grief, and a million other emotions that could be moving through us that we are not even paying attention to because we are trying so hard to get to that point of forgiveness that everyone talks about.
But the truth is, forgiveness can't exist if you're still holding on to any residual anger, bitterness, resentment, or anything else that you may be feeling towards the experience you moved through, towards the person that may have caused you that pain, or even towards yourself—because of what you did, because of what you didn't do, because of who you were, because of who you wish you could have been.

So as long as you're holding on to all that, consciously or unconsciously, forgiveness will not have a space within you to exist.

Instead of actually focusing on forgiveness—forgiving someone else or forgiving ourselves—we can jump into everything else that we have felt, or we may still be feeling right now when it comes to that experience, when it comes to anything that we have moved through or anything that anyone else may have caused us.
When we're actually able to sit with that experience, go back to it in our mind in whatever capacity we have (in small pieces, small pieces; all at once, all at once) and sit with it, feel what it is that is coming through about it, what we feel in our body (any pressure, tension, rage, sadness), and experience it fully, we can accept it and then release it whenever we're ready. Sometimes piece by piece and other times all at once.
That is what's actually gonna create the stillness and the peace you need within you for forgiveness to come. To actually get to a point where, without even trying, you have found yourself forgiving the other person or forgiving yourself.

So, forget about forgiveness.
Just sit with every single piece that is coming through. Cry, run, scream, punch, do whatever you must. The more you're actually able to feel and accept everything that is coming through, no matter how ugly or uncomfortable, the more you're gonna be able to move that energy out of your body and get to that point that you're trying to reach.
Because all those things, right now, they're stored & stuck in your body, because you haven't seen them, you haven't acknowledged them, you have not felt them. And those emotions are just messengers. They're not meant to stay with you. They're meant to tell you something about the experience, about yourself, and then they're meant to go. And when they go, that's when they create the space for something else to come.

The more you try to forgive, the more you're gonna find yourself unable to do so.
Because like so many other things, forgiveness can't be forced. It is meant to come naturally.

How much time someone needs to forgive doesn't reflect how hard the experience has been, but how much of that experience has actually been processed, accepted, and released. So my invitation is for you to do that.
Don't force yourself to release it either, if you're not ready for it. If you gotta sit with the anger, the sadness, the grief for a little bit longer, then allow yourself to do so. Nothing needs to be forced. Sometimes you just need to be angry at that person, or be angry at yourself. Allow all that to move through your body however it wants. Don't rush yourself to that forgiveness.

And remember, forgiveness is not about the other person. Forgiveness is about yourself.
It's the best tool we have to set ourselves free. Yet we can't force ourselves to get there. Forgiveness is not about how sorry the other person is, but about how willing you are to accept that they may never be and be okay with that.
If you're still trying to hear an apology, reveal how sorry someone is, even after releasing all that anger, all that pent-up residual emotion, forgiveness won't come either. Remember, this is about yourself. This is for you to set yourself free, for you to keep living life exactly how you want to, not to stay stuck in a past experience, waiting for someone else to see all the pain they may have caused. Because that day may never come.
You can still choose to let go of all that, alongside the anger, bitterness, resentment, sadness and all residual emotions that are still lingering in your body from that thing that you went through. And you will naturally reach that point you are trying so hard to get to.

There's nothing wrong with you for not being able to forgive someone. Because sometimes you may not be meant to. Not yet. And that gets to be okay. You can choose that to be okay.